Dear Sluggish United States Economy,

I can save you.

I own an extremely successful hamster factory in booming Kent, Ohio and I have a revolutionary plan that will imbue the nation’s coffers with much-needed raw capital.

Did you know according to the 2000 Census, there was upwards of 6.7 million hamster owners in the U.S.? That was 6 years ago. There’s got to be a shit-ton more by now.

Previously, Siberia maintained a tight stranglehold on nearly all dwarf hamster trade duties and ports. As I am sure you are well aware, getting your hands on primo hamster stock is much like trying to get a bear not to eat your nuts after you have dipped them in honey: it’s a sticky situation.

I am prepared to make you an offer unparalleled in its philanthropic and economic repercussions since Andrew Carnegie gave the rest of his tepid vanilla latte to Detroit, extolling citizens to “finish if you want to, because I am just going to throw it out.”

I will give you the fully 5 or 6 newborn hamsters I found under the exercise wheel when I got home from work last night.

You can then sell the blind, deaf and temporarily useful mammals to the scores of American consumers clamoring for more hamsters.

I assure you, Economy, they will prove to be worth their weight in gold. Plus, they are adorable.

In addition, the parents can supply more tiny noodle-babies at a rate of nearly 17 births every 10 seconds, or roughly, every time I turn a-fucking-round.

Perhaps you could find a loving home for these economic upswings with your acquaintances in our nation’s capitol.

I read The Honorable Ben Bernanke, former Chairman of the U.S. President’s Council of Economic Advisors and current Chairman of the United States Federal Reserve recently suffered the loss of his two Teddy-bear hamsters; Control of The Means of Production for Money Implies That the Government Can Always Avoid Deflation by Simply Issuing More Money and Wiggles.

Is there a better way to assuage his grief and ensure enhanced fiscal performance than to sell him a couple hamster pups?

Today I say to you, Economy, no there is not.

Once you have confirmed your agreement, I will present you with the hamster babies the parents did not eat in a ceremony befitting and possibly transcending the magnitude of this great moment. I implore you to look with favor upon the paltry suggestions of this humble hamster factory owner/industrialist.

Respectfully,
J——